Aug
18
Week 26 Halfway Mark, Inflection Point
Filed Under Lessons Learned | 2 Comments
I began Week 26, my year’s experiment “halfway mark”, with a sudden and mysterious illness that literally felt as if I was severely inebriated (drunk).
I was disoriented, dizzy, and nauseous. I couldn’t stand up straight, much less walk a straight line. The inside of my head felt as if someone reached in with a spoon and stirred.
I didn’t feel safe taking care of Jaden in my condition, and had to call Cass home mid-morning. I spent the next ten hours sleeping off and on. I felt better by ten o’clock that night; by then, I felt as if I had a moderate hangover.
By the next day I was all right again. There was no trace of physical symptom from the day before. It was very strange.
I have a feeling this was related to what I’ve been experiencing over the past few weeks: that I wasn’t moving in the right direction, or perhaps I was overshooting in one direction.
In the course of the last couple of months, I went from one extreme of “too much head” to the other extreme of “too much heart”. I felt a sense of intoxication around me, and even though I experienced moments of divine inspiration, I began to feel uncomfortable.
This mysterious and “sudden” physical affliction on Monday was, to me, a confirmation that I had gone to the other extreme.
I was off-track from the “blending of head and heart” that I was seeking.
What better way to bring me back down to earth than forcing me to focus on my physical existence?
Aug
18
I’m realizing how important it is for me to set goals once I get to a certain point.
All this philosophy and love-the-world and spirituality is great, but I need to get something done, man!
This is the way I tick. I don’t do well with fuzzy-no-direction-living-in-the-moment-experiencing.
I spent the first half of my life gaining experience to cultivate wisdom. I think I’m supposed the spend the second half of my life using this wisdom to gain new experiences.
Part of my angst is believing I have to commit to something forever when I simply have to decide on “what do I feel like doing, right now” and not wax about “how this fits into the grander scheme of the reason why I am alive”.
I pick my own meaning of the moment, free up mental energy from worry about meaning, and spend the energy on doing something.
I told Cass that I needed a goal even when “be here now” and “be present” make sense and sound great.
I have the streak of Seabiscuit in me. I’m a competitor.
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Note: Week 25 was actually written during the week it was happening, thus it is backdated. Week 25 is Life is Not a Thought Experiment.
Aug
11
Week 23 This is No Longer Fun
Filed Under What I Love to Do | Leave a Comment
I was holding Jaden and sitting quietly on the bed as I waited for him to fall asleep.
I sat there holding his warm little body, marveling at this soul resting close to me and full of love and trust.
Then a thought popped into my head*.
“Why have I made this experiment so hot and heavy cream?
Why not have a little fun?
I don’t need to make this all philosophical and spiritual and existential analytical!”
For example, what would happen if I devote this entire week to “Plurking”**? In the limited time and energy I have, obviously. But Plurk. Be on Plurk and expose myself to new conversations.
What would happen? I don’t know, but it sounded fun. I thought, why not?
I talked with Cass about my insight: how I had made “what I love to do” such a serious undertaking. I’ve made it a project.
IT’S ABOUT PLAY! Play is supposed to be fun.
I’ve learned to take things too seriously too often, and this is killing my joy.
*Thoughts and ideas come to me in the strangest ways, usually when I’m focusing on something else, like feeding Jaden or being fully present with him; as if caring for Jaden has become my living meditation. In the moments when I become fully present, however fleetingly, I get interesting ideas.
**Plurk is an web-based platform that allows you to express yourself within 140 characters. This is sometimes called, “microblogging”. You can have conversations with other users, either by starting a conversation or participating in someone else’s conversation.